Who watched Donald Trump’s Fourth of July spectacular? You know, the one with a military parade, multiple flyovers, VIP donors — I mean guests — and at least one giant balloon.

It rained on Trump’s parade, and that made me chuckle a bit, but nowhere as much as I laughed over the weekend.

Trump got his parade, and aside from the VIP tickets, generally avoided making it a campaign rally, but judging from his demeanor during his speech, the day wasn’t what he was hoping for.

His speech was, well, ordinary. It had all the flair, gravitas and emotion of a fifth grade report. We’ve had better speeches — delivered by actual veterans — right here in Perryville.

The one bright spot came when Trump spoke about the American Revolution. Trump said American soldiers “took to the air,” “rammed the ramparts” and “took the airports” on the way to defeating the British.

Trump blamed a faulty teleprompter, and while that is certainly a possibility, I’m fairly certain most people would hesitate to put the words airport and Revolutionary War in the same sentence, no matter what the screen said. 

Well, except for maybe Ron Burgundy.

Trump’s historical flub sparked a flood of memes and jokes on social media.

My favorite focused on the fictional Battle of Philadelphia International, in which George Washington and his men “captured runways 27 Left, 27 Right, and parts of Terminal F including the food court, baggage claim, and some bathrooms.”

Another face-swapped George Washington and Tom Cruise in a photo from the movie Top Gun. It read, “Talk to me, Goose.”

Oh, well ... there’s always next year. I’m already working on some suggested titles for the show. So far, I’ve got “Tanks for the Freedom,” “Big Don’s Wild’n’Wacky Fourth,” and “Red, White and Blue Revolution.”

I just hope it’s not another episode of “Drunk History.”

Robert Cox is an award-winning columnist and the managing editor of the Republic-Monitor. Write to him at rcox@perryvillenews.com or P.O. Box 367, Perryville, MO 63775. He may be reached by phone at 573-547-4567.

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